How To Argue Better

When a couple splits up, they may experience a mix of confusion, shock, guilt, frustration, grief, loss, resentment, anger, rejection, shame and relief. The circumstances of the breakup - who decides it's over, whether there was infidelity, who leaves, who initiates the divorce or civil partnership dissolution - inevitably affect these feelings, and the way each individual behaves and reacts. In trying to manage these emotions and navigate the choppy waters of a separation, a soon to be ex-spouse or partner may become unpredictable and unreliable in the other's eyes. Feelings of rejection and bitterness can induce a desire to 'hurt back', escalating anger and conflict, and making it impossible to reach decisions.

Even when both parties are agreed that their marriage is over, feelings of frustration, grief, and shame often surface, all of which can affect an individual's capacity to absorb information, make decisions, and access support at the time when they most need to do so.

As a family lawyer, pragmatic and strategic legal advice is a fundamental part of my job, but understanding, and helping clients to understand, that this cocktail of emotions is normal plays a vital role. After a separation, each person is likely to have a unique and private narrative as to why the relationship broke down. Very rarely will those two narratives be the same. But - and it is a positive 'but' - disagreements are a normal part of family life. The key is knowing how to disagree in a way that is constructive, rather than destructive: in other words, learning how to argue better.

Good communication, even in disagreement, is essential to a constructive...